Wednesday, 31 October 2012

• A ship is safe in harbor. But that's not what ships are for.

  Trust me, I’m not lying. I do miss you deep down inside. You told me that I wouldn’t lose you, yet I lost you. You told me you wanted to spend time with me, but I didn’t get my chance to. Somehow I should have expected this to happen, but I didn’t let it bother me. It’s kind of like I wanted it to happen. You said things that no one has ever said to me and you opened my eyes to what surrounds me. You made me realize that I had a lot more than I actually thought and no one has made me feel so loved like you did. You taught me how to love. You taught me to not only love myself, but you taught me how to love others. Whether you believe it or not, I fell in love with you.
  
  
  Sometimes it's not the person you miss. It's the feelings and moments you had with them.
  
  
  
  
  

  I think the words your stop yourself from saying are the ones that haunt you the longest. So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror, say it in a letter you’ll never send or a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of voices saying ‘I could’ve, but it’s too late now.’ There is a time for silence; there is a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait, I think you should speak now.
  
  
  
  Sometimes, I wish I could read your mind. Then I wonder, if I could handle the truth.
  
  
  
  This thought makes my heart ache. I can’t stop thinking of the last time I saw him, his large, blue eyes filled with some new emotion I couldn’t read, and how it left me feeling strangely empty and wanting.
  
  
  
  I remember all the late night talks and all the words I was comfortable saying to him, but I never would have been able to say to anyone else. I remember all the songs that take me back and make me smile. I remember all the promises we both knew would be broken. I remember all the moments he took my breath away and how he knew more about me than I thought anyone could. I remember the games we played because we talked so much we couldn’t think of anything to say. I still think about the kind of person I must be to have thrown that all away.
  
  
  
   all guys should be like mario and always go to 
  get their princess, no matter how far away they are.

  
  
  It's on the tip of my tongue, but I'm still afraid. Sometimes the only thing words do is get in the way. Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say, but I don't wanna lose you, drive you away. Don't wanna confuse you, I need you to stay
  
  
  
  Sure, she might love you now. But I loved you first, and I loved you more. And I’ll always love you, even when she moves on.
  
  
  
  You can't waste time over missing something in the past. Life changes, people grow up and people grow apart, and you accept that. Yet you still can't stop thinking of how good it used to be; afraid you'd never experience it again, afraid you've already lived it and already lost it.
  
  
  
  Yes, I know what I've done and I regret it every day. If I could make things right, you know I'd find a way.
  
  
  
  Turns out, hell's not so much a burning, scalding pit of fire and misery. It's much, much worse than that. Hell is when the people you love the most reach into your soul and rip it out of you. And they do it because they can.
  
  
  
  And it’s days like these, when the sun is shining, and all I can think of is your face, and the how the place I once loved is now the place that I hate. And I can’t get you out of my head, and all I can think of is that night when I would have given up my world for you and that same night, I watched you walk away.

  
  
   And he looked at me with that same look in his eyes. Like the first day we met and I knew right at that moment that I could never let him look at anyone else that way.
  
  
  
  My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't.
  
  
  
  I love you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I don't regret it and I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened. Not because it was great, which it was, but because it was right. It was so right and you may not see that right now, but I do. And if I have to wait until we're both 80 years old for you to see it then I'll wait. I'm not going anywhere. This is it for me. You're it for me. I can't pretend to feel any less for you than I do. I'm sorry, I just can't.
  
  
  
  These conversations had the effect of reminding me how much I still had to learn as well as how much I'd figured out without trying.
  
  
  
   It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. 
  
  
  
  I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be alright. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. I hate that what I have turned to in my lonliness lives in a pipe or bottle. I hate that what I have turned to in my lonliness is killing me, has already killed, or will kill me soon. I hate that I will die alone. I will die alone in my horror. More than anything all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't alone. 
  
  
  
  I chose to lose you, the only boy who holds the ability to make me smile faster than someone can snap their fingers. 
  
  
  
   I still have feelings for you. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off without you, a part of me just won't let go.
  
  
  
   I don't miss you. I remember you.
  
  
  
  So I say a thousand stupid things, and half the time I never mean them. But this time I'm serious. I'm never going to talk to you first. So if I mean anything, anything to you at all,  then you can talk to me. Because I give up.
  
  
  
   It's hard to watch someone you love change before your eyes knowing you can't do anything about it. But it's heartbreaking to remember what they once were.
  
  
  
  When I see you, the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you. When you're gone, the world starts again, & I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love when it stops. It's the best freaking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that is why I stare at you.
  
  
  
   No matter how long it's been, some things will always be hard to accept.
  
  

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